Gareth Latty
1084 lines
26 KiB
Plaintext
1084 lines
26 KiB
Plaintext
// Cards Against Humanity, https://cardsagainsthumanity.com/
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// Used under a Creative Commons BY-NC-SA 2.0 license, https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-sa/2.0/
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{
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name: "Cards Against Humanity",
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language: "en",
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author: "Cards Against Humanity",
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calls: [
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[
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[
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"Hey Reddit! I’m ",
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{
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transform: "Capitalize",
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},
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".",
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],
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["Ask me anything."],
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],
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[
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["Introducing X-treme Baseball!"],
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["It’s like baseball, but with ", {}, "!"],
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],
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[
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["What is Batman’s guilty pleasure?"],
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[
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{
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transform: "Capitalize",
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},
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".",
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],
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],
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[["TSA guidelines now prohibit ", {}, " on airplanes."]],
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[
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[
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"Next from J.K. Rowling: ",
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{
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text: "Harry Potter and the Chamber of ",
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style: "Em",
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},
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{
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transform: "Capitalize",
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style: "Em",
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},
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".",
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],
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],
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[
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["That’s right, I killed ", {}, "."],
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["How, you ask?"],
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[
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{
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transform: "Capitalize",
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},
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".",
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],
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],
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[
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[
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"I’m sorry professor, but I couldn’t complete my homework because of ",
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{},
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".",
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],
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],
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[["And the Academy Award for ", {}, " goes to ", {}, "."]],
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[["Dude, do not go in that bathroom."], ["There’s ", {}, " in there."]],
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[
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["How did I lose my virginity?"],
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[
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{
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transform: "Capitalize",
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},
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".",
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],
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],
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[
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[
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"It’s a pity that kids these days are all getting involved with ",
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{},
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".",
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],
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],
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[
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[
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"Step 1: ",
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{
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transform: "Capitalize",
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},
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".",
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],
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[
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"Step 2: ",
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{
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transform: "Capitalize",
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},
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".",
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],
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["Step 3: Profit."],
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],
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[
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[
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{
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transform: "Capitalize",
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},
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".",
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],
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["Becha can’t have just one!"],
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],
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[["Kids, I don’t need drugs to get high. I’m high on ", {}, "."]],
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[["For my next trick, I will pull ", {}, " out of ", {}, "."]],
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[
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[
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"While the United States raced the Soviet Union to the moon, the Mexican government funneled millions of pesos into research on ",
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{},
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".",
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],
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],
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[
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[
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"In the new Disney Channel Original Movie, Hannah Montana struggles with ",
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{},
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" for the first time.",
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],
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],
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[
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["What’s my secret power?"],
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[
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{
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transform: "Capitalize",
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},
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".",
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],
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],
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[
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[
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"I’m going on a cleanse this week. Nothing but kale juice and ",
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{},
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".",
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],
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],
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[
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[
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{
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transform: "Capitalize",
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},
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" + ",
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{
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transform: "Capitalize",
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},
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],
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[
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" = ",
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{
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transform: "Capitalize",
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},
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".",
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],
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],
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[
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[
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"When Pharaoh remained unmoved, Moses called down a Plague of ",
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{},
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".",
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],
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],
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[
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[
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"Just once, I’d like to hear you say “Thanks, Mom. Thanks for ",
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{},
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".”",
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],
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],
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[
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["Daddy, why is mommy crying?"],
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[
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{
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transform: "Capitalize",
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},
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".",
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],
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],
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[["When I was tripping on acid, ", {}, " turned into ", {}, "."]],
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[["50% of all marriages end in ", {}, "."]],
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[
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[
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"My fellow Americans: Before this decade is out, we ",
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{
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text: "will",
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style: "Em",
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},
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", have ",
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{},
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" on the moon.",
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],
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],
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[
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[
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"This season at Steppenwolf, Samuel Beckett’s classic existential play: ",
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{
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text: "Waiting for",
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style: "Em",
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},
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{
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style: "Em",
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},
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".",
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],
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],
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[["Instead of coal, Santa now gives the bad children ", {}, "."]],
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[
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[
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"Life for American Indians was forever changed when the White Man introduced them to ",
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{},
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".",
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],
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],
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[
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[
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"What’s Teach for America using to inspire inner city students to succeed?",
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],
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[
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{
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transform: "Capitalize",
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},
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".",
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],
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],
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[["Maybe she’s born with it."], ["Maybe it’s ", {}, "."]],
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[
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["What is George W. Bush thinking about right now?"],
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[
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{
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transform: "Capitalize",
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},
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".",
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],
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],
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[["White people like ", {}, "."]],
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[
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[
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{
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transform: "Capitalize",
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},
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" is a slippery slope that leads to ",
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{},
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".",
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],
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],
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[
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["Why do I hurt all over?"],
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[
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{
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transform: "Capitalize",
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},
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".",
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],
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],
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[["A romantic, candlelit dinner would be incomplete without ", {}, "."]],
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[
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["Just saw this upsetting video! Please retweet!!"],
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[
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"#stop",
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{
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transform: "Capitalize",
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},
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],
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],
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[
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[
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"Fun tip! When your man asks you to go down on him, try surprising him with ",
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{},
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" instead.",
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],
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],
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[["The class field trip was completely ruined by ", {}, "."]],
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[
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["What’s a girl’s best friend?"],
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[
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{
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transform: "Capitalize",
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},
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".",
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],
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],
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[
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[
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"Dear Abby, I’m having some trouble with ",
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{},
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" and would like your advice.",
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],
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],
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[
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[
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"In M. Night Shyamalan’s new movie, Bruce Willis discovers that ",
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{},
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" had really been ",
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{},
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" all along.",
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],
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],
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[
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[
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"When I am President of the United States, I will create the Department of ",
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{},
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".",
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],
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],
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[
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["What are my parents hiding from me?"],
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[
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{
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transform: "Capitalize",
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},
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".",
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],
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],
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[
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["What never fails to liven up the party?"],
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[
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{
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transform: "Capitalize",
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},
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".",
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],
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],
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[
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[
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"IF you like ",
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{
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transform: "UpperCase",
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},
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",",
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],
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["YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK."],
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],
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[
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["Make a haiku."],
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[
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{
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transform: "Capitalize",
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},
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",",
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],
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[
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{
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transform: "Capitalize",
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},
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",",
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],
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[
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{
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transform: "Capitalize",
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},
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".",
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],
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],
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[
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["What made my first kiss so awkward?"],
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[
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{
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transform: "Capitalize",
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},
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".",
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],
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],
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[
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[
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"Hey guys, welcome to Chili’s! Would you like to start the night off right with ",
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{},
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"?",
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],
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],
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[["I got 99 problems but ", {}, " ain’t one."]],
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[
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[
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{
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transform: "Capitalize",
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},
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".",
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],
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["It’s a trap!"],
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],
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[
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[
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"Bravo’s new reality show features eight washed-up celebrities living with ",
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{},
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".",
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],
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],
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[
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["What would grandma find disturbing, yet oddly charming?"],
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[
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{
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transform: "Capitalize",
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},
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".",
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],
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],
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[
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[
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{
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transform: "Capitalize",
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},
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".",
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],
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["That was so metal."],
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],
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[["I never truly understood ", {}, " until I encountered ", {}, "."]],
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[["During sex, I like to think about ", {}, "."]],
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[
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["What ended my last relationship?"],
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[
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{
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transform: "Capitalize",
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},
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".",
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],
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],
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[
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["What’s that sound?"],
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[
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{
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transform: "Capitalize",
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},
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".",
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],
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],
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[
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[
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"Uh, hey guys, I know this was my idea, but I’m having serious doubts about ",
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{},
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".",
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],
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],
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[
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["Why am I sticky?"],
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||
[
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{
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transform: "Capitalize",
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},
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".",
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],
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],
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[
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[
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"I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure what you’re suffering from is called “",
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{},
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".”",
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||
],
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||
],
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[
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["What’s there a ton of in heaven?"],
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[
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{
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transform: "Capitalize",
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},
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".",
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],
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],
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[
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[
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||
"After four platinum albums and three Grammys, it’s time to get back to my roots, to what inspired me to make music in the first place: ",
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{},
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".",
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],
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],
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||
[
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["What will always get you laid?"],
|
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[
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{
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transform: "Capitalize",
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},
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".",
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],
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],
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[
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[
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"They said we were crazy. They said we couldn’t put ",
|
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{},
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" inside of ",
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{},
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".",
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],
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["They were wrong."],
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||
],
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[["Lifetime® presents “", {}, ": the Story of ", {}, ".”"]],
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[
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[
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{
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transform: "Capitalize",
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},
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": kid-tested, mother-approved.",
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],
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],
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[
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["Why can’t I sleep at night?"],
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[
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{
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transform: "Capitalize",
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},
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".",
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||
],
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||
],
|
||
[
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["What’s that smell?"],
|
||
[
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||
{
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||
transform: "Capitalize",
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||
},
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".",
|
||
],
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||
],
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||
[
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[
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||
"After eight years in the White House, how is Obama finally letting loose?",
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||
],
|
||
[
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||
{
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||
transform: "Capitalize",
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},
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".",
|
||
],
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||
],
|
||
[
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["This is the way the world ends"],
|
||
["This is the way the world ends"],
|
||
["Not with a bang but with ", {}, "."],
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||
],
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||
[["Coming to Broadway this season, ", {}, ": The Musical."]],
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||
[
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["Here is the church"],
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||
["Here is the steeple"],
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||
["Open the doors"],
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||
["And there is", {}, "."],
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||
],
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||
[["But before I kill you, Mr. Bond, I must show you ", {}, "."]],
|
||
[
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||
[
|
||
"Studies show that lab rats navigate mazes 50% faster after being exposed to ",
|
||
{},
|
||
".",
|
||
],
|
||
],
|
||
[
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||
["What’s the next superhero/sidekick duo?"],
|
||
[
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||
{
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||
transform: "Capitalize",
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||
},
|
||
"/",
|
||
{
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||
transform: "Capitalize",
|
||
},
|
||
".",
|
||
],
|
||
],
|
||
[["Next on ESPN2, the World Series of ", {}, "."]],
|
||
[
|
||
[
|
||
"When I am a billionaire, I shall erect a 50-foot statue to commemorate ",
|
||
{},
|
||
".",
|
||
],
|
||
],
|
||
[
|
||
[
|
||
"Military historians remember Alexander the Great for his brilliant use of ",
|
||
{},
|
||
" against the Persians.",
|
||
],
|
||
],
|
||
[
|
||
["War!"],
|
||
["What is it good for?"],
|
||
[
|
||
{
|
||
transform: "Capitalize",
|
||
},
|
||
".",
|
||
],
|
||
],
|
||
],
|
||
responses: [
|
||
"silence",
|
||
"the illusion of choice in a late-stage capitalist society",
|
||
"many bats",
|
||
"famine",
|
||
"flesh-eating bacteria",
|
||
"flying sex snakes",
|
||
"not giving a shit about the Third World",
|
||
"magnets",
|
||
"shapeshifters",
|
||
"seeing what happens when you lock people in a room with hungry seagulls",
|
||
"a crucifixion",
|
||
"Jennifer Lawrence",
|
||
"72 virgins",
|
||
"a live studio audience",
|
||
"a time travel paradox",
|
||
"authentic Mexican cuisine",
|
||
"doing crimes",
|
||
"synergistic management solutions",
|
||
"crippling debt",
|
||
"daddy issues",
|
||
"used panties",
|
||
"a fart so powerful that it wakes the giants from their thousand-year slumber",
|
||
"former president George W. Bush",
|
||
"full frontal nudity",
|
||
"covering myself with Parmesan cheese and chili flakes because I am pizza",
|
||
"laying an egg",
|
||
"getting naked and watching Nickelodeon",
|
||
"pretending to care",
|
||
"having big dreams but no realistic way to achieve them",
|
||
"seeing Grandma naked",
|
||
"boogers",
|
||
"the inevitable heat death of the universe",
|
||
"the miracle of childbirth",
|
||
"the rapture",
|
||
"whipping it out",
|
||
"white privilege",
|
||
"emerging from the sea and rampaging through Tokyo",
|
||
"the Hamburglar",
|
||
"AXE Body Spray",
|
||
"the Blood of Christ",
|
||
"soft, kissy missionary sex",
|
||
"BATMAN!",
|
||
"agriculture",
|
||
"barely making $25,000 a year",
|
||
"natural selection",
|
||
"coat hanger abortions",
|
||
"sex with Patrick Stewart",
|
||
"my abusive boyfriend who really isn’t so bad once you get to know him",
|
||
"prescription pain killers",
|
||
"swooping",
|
||
"mansplaining",
|
||
"a homoerotic volleyball montage",
|
||
"Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez",
|
||
"putting things where they go",
|
||
"fragile masculinity",
|
||
"all-you-can-eat shrimp for $8.99",
|
||
"an old guy who’s almost dead",
|
||
"Kanye West",
|
||
"hot cheese",
|
||
"raptor attacks",
|
||
"seven dead and three in critical condition",
|
||
"smegma",
|
||
"alcoholism",
|
||
"a middle-aged man on roller skates",
|
||
"looking in the mirror, applying lipstick, and whispering “tonight, you will have sex with Tom Cruise”",
|
||
"bingeing and purging",
|
||
"an oversized lollipop",
|
||
"self-loathing",
|
||
"sitting on my face and telling me I’m garbage",
|
||
"half-assed foreplay",
|
||
"the Holy Bible",
|
||
"german dungeon porn",
|
||
"being on fire",
|
||
"teenage pregnancy",
|
||
"Gandhi",
|
||
"your weird brother",
|
||
"a Fleshlight®",
|
||
"a pyramid of severed heads",
|
||
"an erection that lasts longer than four hours",
|
||
"a three-way with my wife and Shaquille O’Neal",
|
||
"the past",
|
||
"my genitals",
|
||
"an endless stream of diarrhea",
|
||
"science",
|
||
"not reciprocating oral sex",
|
||
"flightless birds",
|
||
"a good sniff",
|
||
"50,000 volts straight to the nipples",
|
||
"a balanced breakfast",
|
||
"dead birds everywhere",
|
||
"the arrival of the pizza",
|
||
"Permanent Orgasm-Face Disorder",
|
||
"the cool, refreshing taste of Pepsi®",
|
||
"chemical weapons",
|
||
"Oprah",
|
||
"wondering if it’s possible to get some of that salsa to go",
|
||
"bananas",
|
||
"passive aggressive Post-it notes",
|
||
"Hillary Clinton’s emails",
|
||
"switching to Geico®",
|
||
"peeing a little bit",
|
||
"wet dreams",
|
||
"the Jews",
|
||
"my cheating son-of-a-bitch husband",
|
||
"powerful thighs",
|
||
"these hoes",
|
||
"the only gay person in a hundred miles",
|
||
"having sex for the first time",
|
||
"Donald J. Trump",
|
||
"kissing grandma on the forehead and turning off her life support",
|
||
"sexual tension",
|
||
"an AR-15 assault rifle",
|
||
"my good bra",
|
||
"punching a congressman in the face",
|
||
"Fancy Feast®",
|
||
"being rich",
|
||
"sweet, sweet vengeance",
|
||
"Republicans",
|
||
"sniffing and kissing my feet",
|
||
"a much younger woman",
|
||
"poverty",
|
||
"kamikaze pilots",
|
||
"committing suicide",
|
||
"the homosexual agenda",
|
||
"a Mexican",
|
||
"a falcon with a cap on its head",
|
||
"wizard music",
|
||
"the Kool-Aid Man",
|
||
"Juuling",
|
||
"free samples",
|
||
"hurting those closest to me",
|
||
"doing the right thing",
|
||
"the Three-Fifths Compromise",
|
||
"lactation",
|
||
"world peace",
|
||
"shutting up so I can watch the game",
|
||
"eating a hard boiled egg out of my husband’s asshole",
|
||
"RoboCop",
|
||
"one titty hanging out",
|
||
"Justin Bieber",
|
||
"Oompa-Loompas",
|
||
"inappropriate yodeling",
|
||
"puberty",
|
||
"ghosts",
|
||
"50 mg of Zoloft daily",
|
||
"fucking my sister",
|
||
"braiding three penises into a Twizzler",
|
||
"vigorous jazz hands",
|
||
"getting fingered",
|
||
"my Uber driver, Pavel",
|
||
"GoGurt®",
|
||
"police brutality",
|
||
"filling my briefcase with business stuff",
|
||
"preteens",
|
||
"my fat daughter",
|
||
"rap music",
|
||
"fading away into nothingness",
|
||
"Darth Vader",
|
||
"a sad handjob",
|
||
"exactly what you’d expect",
|
||
"expecting a burp and vomiting on the floor",
|
||
"Adderall®",
|
||
"the Red Hot Chili Peppers",
|
||
"sideboob",
|
||
"an octopus giving seven handjobs and smoking a cigarette",
|
||
"my neck, my back, my pussy, and my crack",
|
||
"J. D. Power and his associates",
|
||
"mouth herpes",
|
||
"sperm whales",
|
||
"women of color",
|
||
"men discussing their feelings in an emotionally healthy way",
|
||
"incest",
|
||
"Pac-Man uncontrollably guzzling cum",
|
||
"casually suggesting a threesome",
|
||
"running out of semen",
|
||
"god",
|
||
"the wonders of the Orient",
|
||
"sexual peeing",
|
||
"emotions",
|
||
"licking things to claim them as your own",
|
||
"jobs",
|
||
"the placenta",
|
||
"spontaneous human combustion",
|
||
"the Bachelorette season finale",
|
||
"throwing grapes at a man until he loses touch with reality",
|
||
"establishing dominance",
|
||
"finger painting",
|
||
"old-people smell",
|
||
"getting crushed by a vending machine",
|
||
"my inner demons",
|
||
"a Super Soaker™ full of cat pee",
|
||
"Aaron Burr",
|
||
"cuddling",
|
||
"however much weed $20 can buy",
|
||
"battlefield amputations",
|
||
"Spaghetti? Again?",
|
||
"Ronald Reagan",
|
||
"a disappointing birthday party",
|
||
"nachos for the table",
|
||
"becoming a blueberry",
|
||
"a tiny horse",
|
||
"William Shatner",
|
||
"selling crack to children",
|
||
"an M. Night Shyamalan plot twist",
|
||
"brown people",
|
||
"mutually assured destruction",
|
||
"pedophiles",
|
||
"yeast",
|
||
"how bad my daughter fucked up her dance recital",
|
||
"rectangles",
|
||
"catapults",
|
||
"poor people",
|
||
"only dating Asian women",
|
||
"the Hustle",
|
||
"the Force",
|
||
"how amazing it is to be on mushrooms",
|
||
"judging everyone",
|
||
"Kourtney, Kim, Khloe, Kendall, and Kylie",
|
||
"getting married, having a few kids, buying some stuff, retiring to Florida, and dying",
|
||
"some god damn peace and quiet",
|
||
"AIDS",
|
||
"pictures of boobs",
|
||
"strong female characters",
|
||
"some foundation, mascara, and a touch of blush",
|
||
"hospice care",
|
||
"getting really high",
|
||
"the opiod epidemic",
|
||
"penis envy",
|
||
"gay conversion therapy",
|
||
"Ruth Bader Ginsburg brutally gaveling your penis",
|
||
"German Chancellor Angela Merkel",
|
||
"the KKK",
|
||
"a pangender octopus who roams the cosmos in search of love",
|
||
"meth",
|
||
"serfdom",
|
||
"holding down a child and farting all over him",
|
||
"a Bop It™",
|
||
"a whole thing of butter",
|
||
"still being a virgin",
|
||
"solving problems with violence",
|
||
"getting cummed on",
|
||
"pixelated bukkake",
|
||
"a lifetime of sadness",
|
||
"going an entire day without masturbating",
|
||
"dick pics",
|
||
"racism",
|
||
"menstrual rage",
|
||
"sunshine and rainbows",
|
||
"radical Islamic terrorism",
|
||
"huge biceps",
|
||
"my little boner",
|
||
"dry heaving",
|
||
"a gossamer stream of jizz that catches the light as it arcs through the morning air",
|
||
"executing a hostage every hour",
|
||
"the rhythms of Africa",
|
||
"breaking out into song and dance",
|
||
"leprosy",
|
||
"gloryholes",
|
||
"nipple blades",
|
||
"the heart of a child",
|
||
"puppies!",
|
||
"fellowship in Christ",
|
||
"little boy penises",
|
||
"waking up half-naked in a Denny’s parking lot",
|
||
"an older woman who knows her way around the penis",
|
||
"getting drugs off the street and into my body",
|
||
"Daniel Radcliffe’s delicious asshole",
|
||
"active listening",
|
||
"ethnic cleansing",
|
||
"itchy pussy",
|
||
"blowing my boyfriend so hard he shits",
|
||
"a fuck-ton of almonds",
|
||
"a salad for men that’s made of metal",
|
||
"waiting till marriage",
|
||
"unfathomable stupidity",
|
||
"shiny objects",
|
||
"the Devil himself",
|
||
"autocannibalism",
|
||
"erectile dysfunction",
|
||
"my collection of Japanese sex toys",
|
||
"the Pope",
|
||
"white people",
|
||
"tentacle porn",
|
||
"my bright pink fuckhole",
|
||
"how far I can get my own penis up my butt",
|
||
"having anuses for eyes",
|
||
"the penny whistle solo from “My Heart Will Go On”",
|
||
"seppuku",
|
||
"Danny DeVito",
|
||
"the magic of live theatre",
|
||
"throwing a virgin into a volcano",
|
||
"Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson",
|
||
"accepting the way things are",
|
||
"NBA superstar LeBron James",
|
||
"listening to her problems without trying to solve them",
|
||
"therapy",
|
||
"being fat and stupid",
|
||
"pooping back and forth. Forever",
|
||
"tearing that ass up like wrapping paper on Christmas morning",
|
||
"more elephant cock than I bargained for",
|
||
"a salty surprise",
|
||
"the South",
|
||
"the violation of our most basic human rights",
|
||
"tap dancing like there’s no tomorrow",
|
||
"consensual sex",
|
||
"telling a shitty story that goes nowhere",
|
||
"a good, strong gorilla",
|
||
"seeing my father cry",
|
||
"necrophilia",
|
||
"being a woman",
|
||
"getting into a pretty bad car accident",
|
||
"Bill Nye the Science Guy",
|
||
"black people",
|
||
"The Boy Scouts of America",
|
||
"Lunchables™",
|
||
"bitches",
|
||
"some punk kid who stole my turkey sandwich",
|
||
"heartwarming orphans",
|
||
"Spirit Airlines",
|
||
"bubble butt bottom boys",
|
||
"a bowl of mayonnaise and human teeth",
|
||
"fiery poops",
|
||
"saying “I love you”",
|
||
"inserting a Mason jar into my anus",
|
||
"the true meaning of Christmas",
|
||
"some of the best rappers in the game",
|
||
"owning and operating a Chili’s franchise",
|
||
"estrogen",
|
||
"girls",
|
||
"the Russians",
|
||
"a bleached asshole",
|
||
"fucking the weatherman on live television",
|
||
"PTSD",
|
||
"dark and mysterious forces beyond our control",
|
||
"smallpox blankets",
|
||
"masturbating",
|
||
"hobos",
|
||
"queefing",
|
||
"the guys from Queer Eye",
|
||
"Cardi B.",
|
||
"Viagra®",
|
||
"soup that is too hot",
|
||
"Muhammad (Peace Be Upon Him)",
|
||
"explaining how vaginas work",
|
||
"Academy Award winner Meryl Streep",
|
||
"drinking alone",
|
||
"dick fingers",
|
||
"multiple stab wounds",
|
||
"poopy diapers",
|
||
"child abuse",
|
||
"anal beads",
|
||
"slaughtering innocent civilians",
|
||
"pulling out",
|
||
"being able to talk to elephants",
|
||
"horse meat",
|
||
"a really cool hat",
|
||
"Stalin",
|
||
"a stray pube",
|
||
"worshipping that pussy",
|
||
"completely unwarranted confidence",
|
||
"doin’ it in the butt",
|
||
"my ex-wife",
|
||
"teaching a robot to love",
|
||
"touching a pug right on his penis",
|
||
"a windmill full of corpses",
|
||
"Count Chocula",
|
||
"Vladimir Putin",
|
||
"the Patriarchy",
|
||
"the glass ceiling",
|
||
"vomiting seafood and bleeding anally",
|
||
"The American Dream",
|
||
"not wearing pants",
|
||
"my balls on your face",
|
||
"pooping in a laptop and closing it",
|
||
"dead babies",
|
||
"foreskin",
|
||
"a saxophone solo",
|
||
"Italians",
|
||
"a fetus",
|
||
"firing a rifle into the air while balls deep in a squealing hog",
|
||
"Mike Pence",
|
||
"10,000 Syrian refugees",
|
||
"forced sterilization",
|
||
"my relationship status",
|
||
"an unwanted pregnancy",
|
||
"diversity",
|
||
"a white ethnostate",
|
||
"Bees?",
|
||
"Harry Potter erotica",
|
||
"giving birth to the Antichrist",
|
||
"three dicks at the same time",
|
||
"Nazis",
|
||
"8 oz. of sweet Mexican black-tar heroin",
|
||
"what that mouth do",
|
||
"dead parents",
|
||
"object permanence",
|
||
"opposable thumbs",
|
||
"racially-biased SAT questions",
|
||
"the Great Depression",
|
||
"chainsaws for hands",
|
||
"Nicolas Cage",
|
||
"child beauty pageants",
|
||
"explosions",
|
||
"not vaccinating my children because I am stupid",
|
||
"Lena Dunham",
|
||
"huffing spray paint",
|
||
"a man on the brink of orgasm",
|
||
"repression",
|
||
"invading Poland",
|
||
"my vagina",
|
||
"assless chaps",
|
||
"murder",
|
||
"giving 110%",
|
||
"Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II",
|
||
"the Trail of Tears",
|
||
"memes",
|
||
"sex with animals",
|
||
"being marginalized",
|
||
"goblins",
|
||
"hope",
|
||
"liberals",
|
||
"a micropenis",
|
||
"my soul",
|
||
"a ball of earwax, semen, and toenail clippings",
|
||
"a horde of Vikings",
|
||
"hot people",
|
||
"seething with quiet resentment",
|
||
"an Oedipus complex",
|
||
"geese",
|
||
"extremely tight pants",
|
||
"Fox News",
|
||
"a little boy who won’t shut the fuck up about dinosaurs",
|
||
"making a pouty face",
|
||
"vehicular manslaughter",
|
||
"women’s suffrage",
|
||
"some guy",
|
||
"Judge Judy",
|
||
"African children",
|
||
"this month’s mass shooting",
|
||
"Barack Obama",
|
||
"illegal immigrants",
|
||
"elderly Japanese men",
|
||
"the female orgasm",
|
||
"heteronormativity",
|
||
"crumbs all over the god damn carpet",
|
||
"Arnold Schwarzenegger",
|
||
"the wifi password",
|
||
"spectacular abs",
|
||
"a bird that shits human turds",
|
||
"a mopey zoo lion",
|
||
"a bag of magic beans",
|
||
"poor life choices",
|
||
"my sex life",
|
||
"Auschwitz",
|
||
"a snapping turtle biting the tip of your penis",
|
||
"all the dudes I’ve fucked",
|
||
"the clitoris",
|
||
"the Big Bang",
|
||
"land mines",
|
||
"The entire Mormon Tabernacle Choir",
|
||
"a micropig wearing a tiny raincoat and booties",
|
||
"penis breath",
|
||
"jerking off into a pool of children’s tears",
|
||
"man meat",
|
||
"me time",
|
||
"the Underground Railroad",
|
||
"poorly-timed Holocaust jokes",
|
||
"a sea of troubles",
|
||
"lumberjack fantasies",
|
||
"Morgan Freeman’s voice",
|
||
"women in yogurt commercials",
|
||
"natural male enhancement",
|
||
"being a motherfucking sorcerer",
|
||
"my black ass",
|
||
"genuine human connection",
|
||
"announcing that I am about to cum",
|
||
"balls",
|
||
"Grandma",
|
||
"friction",
|
||
"chunks of dead hitchhiker",
|
||
"farting and walking away",
|
||
"being a dick to children",
|
||
"one trillion dollars",
|
||
"drowning the kids in the bathtub",
|
||
"dying",
|
||
"drinking out of the toilet and eating garbage",
|
||
"the gays",
|
||
"the screams… the terrible screams",
|
||
"men",
|
||
"the bombing of Nagasaki",
|
||
"fake tits",
|
||
"the Amish",
|
||
"David Bowie flying in on a tiger made of lightning",
|
||
"my ugly face and bad personality",
|
||
"a bitch slap",
|
||
"a brain tumor",
|
||
"fear itself",
|
||
"Jews, gypsies, and homosexuals",
|
||
"the milkman",
|
||
"Cards Against Humanity",
|
||
],
|
||
}
|